Pain Demands To Be Felt.

Hey lovelies,

How are y’all doing??? I know you’re Gucci.

Now remember when I made the blog open?? So someone reached out to me, A friend of mine and we have our very first post

Grab a seat and enjoy.

I’ve written this a couple of times before. Sometimes on paper, sometimes in my head and all these times, one thing has remained constant; the emotions that surface. Like the tears I can already feel brimming as I write now.
In the novel, “the fault in our stars” was the first place I encountered this phrase; “Pain demands to be felt” and this is something that I will come to realize in the 3 years I’m about to write about.
I was never described by my acquaintances as an emotional person except when they wanted to talk about my anger and I don’t blame them because even then, I thought I was capable of expressing only two emotions; Happiness and of course, anger.
But I digress, Let me tell you my story in the best way I can but before I share this story, you should know that I had initially planned to tell it after my convocation and I had seen my transcript because then I’d be shedding tears of joy- not the ones I have become all too familiar with, that come from a place of pain so deep seated within me, it demands every time my mind wanders to be felt.

I decided to study engineering for two reasons. First, and most important to me, being that it was a course I could graduate with a first class honours and second being that my mother had sung it severally to the hearing of I and my sisters that “science and technology rule the world”. Before this, I wanted to be a lawyer and I imagined a future as a civil and human rights lawyer, setting off several marches against discrimination and inhumane treatment of human beings and maybe someday working with government and implementing useful policies. I imagined myself married too. Married to someone with a career in finance- I was especially drawn to insurance.
I won’t bore you with details of how I was super bright as a kid.

My first result as an engineering student, I was right on track! And I was elated, well not just me but my entire family was elated as well. I became for a time, the apple of my parents’ eye. The living proof that sacrifices yielded great returns. Something, I would discover soon enough, wasn’t always true.
But this elation was short lived because my next result was horrible. I had somehow gotten distracted by my initial success and forgot to put in the work to replicate it. For this, I blamed myself entirely and resolved to do better.
Before I continue, I want you to know that I trained myself. What I mean is, my parents of course embodied some very core values to us as their children but I took these values, embraced them and ran with it. Chief among these values are integrity and hard work. We were hard workers, no room for slacking if you were a child born of my parents. There were examples everywhere. I had cousins in ivy league colleges, my elder sister was in the top 10% of her university class, and my mom graduated top 10% of all the degrees she bagged after giving birth to 4 children while still saddled with the responsibility of tending to them and a husband without any external help.
All my sisters still in secondary school were doing remarkably well and were described as “Brainiac” by their classmates.
Armed with this knowledge and several pep talks from people my mother enlisted to speak with me, I resolved to work everything I had in me off. Because, asides from the legacy my parents had begun to create for us, I was ashamed of myself- I was angry that I let myself fall. And with tears, I vowed never to let that happen again.

I wish this is where the story ends but no, it happened again. I did beneath my expectations and far beneath all my hard work and efforts, making it difficult to convince my parents that I had put in any.
At this point, I became paranoid. My parents had managed to sell me the idea that it was spiritual, I needed deliverance (which I never did) and I had to watch my back and be wary of my friends. This was the time I began to distance myself from my friends and spend time alone. No one really suspected anything was up because I hadn’t been very sociable before all this so…I was mad at my friends sometimes and mad at myself some other times. Mad at my friends for not guessing anything was up and mad at myself for not telling them anything was up.
I was confused. I didn’t know whether to continue with my hard work and diligence or just let everything go while I move along. This was about the time when it began to feel like I was having an out of body experience in university, I began to dread school breaks because it meant prolonged periods with my parents who made it a point of duty to register their disappointment in me and my failing grades at every opportunity they got. I began to see everything they gave me- including my school fees and allowance as a gift I didn’t deserve and I stopped making demands or requests from them. My provisions to school began to reduce and I never requested for more because I reasoned that I probably didn’t even deserve the little I was getting.
One time, my allowance was cut down and I just collected it in shock and didn’t complain until school life became too difficult for me to manage it.

I was in a bad place and now that I think about it, everything was brewing for so long, it’s a wonder I never had a mental breakdown. This was new territory for me, a place where I couldn’t predict my end from my beginning.
It was around this time too that I began to feel fear. Deep seated, crippling fear that whatever I do wouldn’t be enough, that there would always be someone better, who will sweep the rug from beneath my feet making me topple over like a pack of cards, subject entirely to the laws of gravity and without any substance to keep me grounded, I’d fall head first into the hole of defeat. Something I feared had already begun to happen.
I feared my degree would ultimately become useless and I began to explore other options…In retrospect, I realize it was at this point that I gave up anything for the first time in my life, A trend that will become all too familiar in the year following.
Again, my result wasn’t up to standard by any measure. And for semesters, I could not utter my Cumulative Grade Point out loud- even to my hearing. I was still ashamed of myself and I convinced myself on more than one occasion that maybe I wasn’t as smart as I thought I was. I couldn’t bring myself to call myself stupid or dumb and mean it- I was trained differently and so it annoyed me whenever people made allusions to my grades being perfect and I always tried to set such people straight but they always thought I was being modest- I have no idea why.

Did I give up again after the last result? I don’t know. All I remember is working extra hard the next semester; reading like I hadn’t before, keeping late nights, cramming and memorising my notes. Reminding myself, it wasn’t over until it was over. If I had known, I wouldn’t have done all of that because my GP stayed static, sitting in its allocated column as a direct mockery of all the hard work I put in and the sacrifices I made. My parents, tired as they were just viewed it and said a few words before dismissing me.
I couldn’t cry for long this time, I questioned myself of what use the tears will be and decided against it- In retrospect, I realize that this too, was a mistake. Pain demands to be felt and if you put off its demands it will turn on you.
I was paranoid before but now, I was openly doubting myself. Making derisive comments about myself, suspicious of everyone, relating on a personal level with very few people. Sometimes allowing a tear or two leak out of the high fortress I had built around it.
And now it makes sense that this was the first time I ever had a panic attack. A funny but weird experience I must say.
I was unwell- this was something I knew but something I could not talk about partly because I had still not admitted it to myself.

Not once during this period did I consider taking my life but twice. The first time, it seemed like the best thing to do under the weight of my parents’ disapproval and disappointment.
I reasoned- like I always do, that they’ll mourn me for 1 year, my father maybe for 2 months and go back to the irregular routine of their lives, saving up for my 3 other sisters all the money they would have channelled into funding my education, ultimately forgetting they had another daughter and live a better quality of life with the extra money at their disposal. I had already chosen a day
My mother got wind of this and one morning she came to me trying to encourage me and remind me that suicide will take me to eternal damnation.
In the end, she wasn’t the one that convinced me otherwise- my friend from secondary school and my doggedness to prove to myself that indeed graduating with that first class was not beyond reach for me were what convinced me.
I’m tempted to tell you to ask my roommates how much time I spent reading and how much I invested into my school work.

This thing is getting long. Let me round up.
Very few people noticed anything was wrong- or maybe, were bold enough to reach out. Some others noticed but just laughed it off to my face. How insensitive? you might think but before you judge them too harshly. Go back and read my description of myself. I absolutely never stayed on the ground. I always picked myself up. So you can’t entirely blame them for not reading too much meaning into it.

And I’m going to draw a lot of inferences from my experience.
People always say; “check on your friends- especially the strong ones” I’ll add; “Pray for them- especially the strong ones”.
I’m still taking lessons from this experience but my Dad said I should share now. I don’t know why, maybe someone needs an arm of fellowship, needs to talk someone who understands what they’re going through without ultimately placing judgement. I think I will understand so you can talk to me.

This is where I’ll stop this week. Check back sometime next week to see the Conclusion.

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I Actually Quit Blogging

Hey lovelies
I have been off blogging for a really long time now and trust me I can explain.
But first off, I want to sincerely apologize for not carrying you guys along in the journey of the break I took.
Now let me tell you why I quit blogging,

I quit blogging for 2 major reasons
1. Because I found someone new

Leemao yh, I found a new love of my life and I felt mehn I got to give my all to this person and it seemed like my blog wasn’t buying the idea that I was cheating on him so we had to call things off, it was painful because I felt I could love both of them equally and could be Wonder Woman and do it all, but I realized that Wonder Woman has only one thing to do which is save lives. As a result of this I had to break up with blogging and I replaced him with design.

Started designing and I fell in love, like deep black hole love, I was drunk on design and intoxicated by it. I loved the design space, I loved how design resonated with my lifestyle, I loved how design on Instagram, behance, dribble and Pinterest were literally my safe space.
While in the design process, I realized that what I couldn’t do with blogging, blogging was the best way I could express my self, it was also the best way I could share value and I was also intoxicated by that so I could let it go.

2. I went off track.

I am a huge fan of telling people what to do and how to do it right, but the stupid thing is that when it comes to me applying these principles to my lifestyle, its really difficult, (it’s really difficult to practice what I preach). I find it hard to also reach out when I don’t have it all together even though I tell people to learn how to reach out. I went off track, I got entangled in the fact that I was doing this to get popular or to make so much money, but I had to call my self back,

I never started blogging because of all these, I started blogging because I loved writing and sharing and adding value. So, this break, helped me get back on track, it reminded me of why I started doing this in the first place and why I cant stop doing this.

So I would like you guys to continue with me on this journey, I have lot of things I need to work on and I would yo guess to go through that process with me. I’m back and I’m here to stay * in Kim karadashian’s voice*

Also, I made some changes to the blog, first with theme and also my bog is now an open blog so, feel free to reach out to me or a feature either on twitter or on the gram. ( hope you like it tho)

P.S Someone else will be posting here, an old friend of mine.
So look out for that soon.

Love y’all loads see you in the next blog post

JUST START!!!!!

I was opportuned to speak at a creatives hangout organised by Covenant University yesterday, and one common question that came up was “How do i start?” The perfect answer to that is “You start by starting”. Most people are often times waiting for me to say something magical, like ‘oh you have to consult God and ask Him when the right time is’ but dear brothers and sisters, God is also waiting fo you to start.

I can perfectly understand that sometimes it’s scary, I understand that sometimes your friends or family might think what you are doing is rubbish, I understand that there might not be enough money to start, I understand that there might be no motivation, I understand that sometimes you are just waiting for one person’s approval. But really with all these fears you will only be depriving the world of the magic within you.

I always tell myself that ‘Bethel, if you can be afraid of something then that means you also have the power to overcome that fear’. Sincerely, fear only happens when you either overthink something or when you see a small problem and you over imagine it, so stop overthinking and over imagining. Instead use your thinking capacity to think of a solution to that fear, thinking of how big the problem is will never solve the fear.

Meet people who have had similar fears and let them advice you on how they overcame that fear. It’s not easy but willfully opening your mind, opens you up for a solution.

So after all that, here is Bethel’s quick guide to starting by starting.

1. Outline your vision. This basically your goals and end results. What do you hope to achieve in the end? What is the continued progress you want to see? Have a plan.

2. If your project needs financing, figure out how you are going to get it. Capital? Future salaries? Where will it come from? This may have you working a non-dream job for a while but have your goal in mind.

3. Have good content. Have great content. Have classy content. Have interesting content. Have professional-looking content. Have content that lies within the boundaries of your morals (no naked pictures if you’re not comfortable with it).

4. Advertise yourself. Your business needs profit. Your blog needs readers. Or why are you starting?

5. Pray! Nothing works without God’s blessing.

Remember to be committed and not be afraid. Start-ups are not easy so if you can’t commit to it don’t bother.

LEARN TO MAKE EXCUSES FOR PEOPLE

Hey lovelies,
A happy new week and happy new month in advance and happy April fools day in advance.
I don’t know if I am the only one who has noticed but this year is moving too fast mehn.
So let’s start making quick actions to fulfilling our goals for this year.
The past few months I have been feeling really bad about some of my close friends not checking up on me, or them not replying my messages and many other things.
Due to my shy nature(sometimes) I was so scared to reach out to them because I didn’t want our conversation to be more awkward than it was already.
Well, last week I took that bold step and made up my mind to open up to one of them, I explained how I felt about everything and about our friendship in particular.
This is just proved to me how understanding my friends are, he then explained to me how he has been very busy and how work as been taking up most of his time.
During the conversation, he told me something and he said “Bethel, learn to make excuses for people” and it struck me really hard. Whilie thinking about the quote through out last week, i came
to the following conclusions:
1. NOT EVERYONE HAS YOUR TIME STRUCTURE.
Learn to understand that your free time might be someone’s busiest time.
So take time to analyse and understand other people’s time structure.

2. MAKING EXCUSES FOR PEOPLE SAVES YOUR FRIENDSHIP BIG TIME.
So after understanding their time structure, and you have noticed when their free time is but when you try to reach out they dont respond,
this is the best time to make excuses for them. Who knows maybe they are too stressed to have a conversation, or maybe they are sleepy and just wanted to
check whats happening in the world for a few minutes… so many excuses to make

3. DONT OVERTHINK THINGS
Me, I have a PhD in overthinking, and sometimes it does more harm than good. When times like this happen never over think things, last last ask the person
what’s up and why they haven’t been replying your messages.

If this is current situation you are in, don’t worry you are not alone this is something I am struggling with, but I know with more practice I’ll be better
so you are not alone. Just find what works for you and follow that process and you will be fine.
I’ll be speaking at a creative hangout and digital summit this weekend at Covenant University, so if you are in Covenant University or its environs come and
hear your girl talk about balance in my career, academics and creative process

I can’t wait to come next week Sunday to share the gist with you.

I MISS YOU BUT, WE ARE BETTER APART

Hey lovelies,

I apologise for making you wait for so long, I have been going through a lot and I will definitely share it with you.

So one of the few things I have been going through, is me finding myself in toxic relationships. I have been avoiding sharing this with you guys but, I have a feeling someone out there is looking for a way to leave a toxic relationship.

I am a kind of person who always invests my all when it comes to relationships, in fact the key to my heart back then was I love you, I love you is even too long… Just say” love you “and my heart will start turniown on its own, and due to this reason I never took my time to know the people I was getting into relationships with. Then the criteria for me to be able to do anything for and with you, was for you to make me your girlfriend, I was highly subjective to compromise and I mean compromise with my faith, time, academics and my morals. I became a slave or a robot to who ever I was with back then because, I never allowed myself have a say in those relationships.

My definition of a toxic relationship is a relationship where you have no say but, you have to follow every leading of your partner whether good or bad.

Leaving these type of relationships are very difficult, because on some days you feel insanely loved and the next day you are the bad guy, but as highly emotional beings… we try everything in our power to get those loving days back, even if it means enduring many days of bad times. But my dear stop wasting your emotions on people who won’t cherish them.

Anyone who will ever make you compromise your faith, values and morals only wants you to die early sincerely, the best thing to do is find someone who resonants with your faith, value and morals. I have come to understand that when the Bible said wives submit to your husbands it didn’t mean we should compromise, submitting to your partner is the most beautiful thing ever but, it’s only beautiful when you have the right head leading you and loving you as Christ loves the church.

The best way I advice people to leave such relationships is get a pen and a paper, write out all the pros and cons of your relationship with that person and be very honest with your self, if the cons outweigh the pros then my dear you aren’t benefitting anything from that relationship.

Step 2: Take time out to express how you really feel about your relationship to your partner, I advice you do it when the person is not online so you have enough time and space to say what you want to say, without any interuptions.

Step 3: After expressing yourself, block the person. Why? Because the thing about such relationships is that, the person will reply wanting to convince you and making you believe that he or she will change but, the truth is if holy spirit hasnt changed the person, who are you that you can change the person. Often times they even make you feel like you are the one at fault, which can lead to unnecessary emotional complications.

Finally, in all these stand your ground and pray. Ask the holy spirit to speak through you cause legit, you can’t do it by your own knowledge. You will definitely miss them, but you guys are better apart.

Drop your comments below on your own ways of leaving toxic relationships.

My Ministry Gift- POCO

Hey guys,

I hope you are ready for gist,

So today is my Pastor’s birthday and I would have written all what I am about to write here on instagram but I know space will not be enough.

So me oh, newbie, 100 level fresher in Covenant University when I kept hearing about a Pastor Oge C. Ogwe and I am like who is the guy sef that everyone is always talking about. I sha erased it off my mind that last last one day I’ll meet him, on one faithful day I was listening to music when the next track that played was his teaching on relationships, funny how he doesn’t know this but the next day I preached the exact same message to my teenagers in church and mehn mindsets were changed. Now I preached someone’s message I had never seen before, and his was just my first encounter relating to anything about him.

Then some time later, I saw a friend of mine at the bus stop and guess who I saw standing next to her it was Pastor Oge, now I could recognise him because I had stalked him well on instagram. I said Good afternoon pastor Oge, im bethel and he said hi bethel, nice to me with a hand shake, aswerugad I felt something enter me… I just jejely went to pray when I stumbled on another message again by pastor Oge, listened to it while praying and boom something changed in me that day.

Fast ward to 18th January 2018 when Circle church was born (first the name attracted me because it was too fresh) then after a particular meeting which he came for in my school, we were given a brief introduction to the church and the roles and duties we could perform, although I did none I just knew this was my church.

There was no definite explanation to why I felt that way but the urge was just so strong on me, I tried to fight it but whenever someone asked me what church do you attend I’ll say Circle church at festac. I have never been to the church physically but Circle church made me understand that a church is not about the building but about the people in the building.

Now Pastor Oge knew none of this and I still hadn’t spoken to him expect when I greeted him that last time… fast ward to later that year when I was in a toxic relationship and I couldn’t open up to anyone or whenever someone adviced me I never listened, then a friend of mine, out of frustration then said if you won’t talk to me then why not go and talk to pastor Oge…. then I messaged him on instagram with a lot on my mind and I just started pouring my life out like he was my journal (not dairy please ) and he listened and read every single rant, line by line.

This is a busy man that has his own business, work, church and other lives to handle, but still he read every single thing I had to say (now I’m crying) he might not understand what that meant to me, but I was very close to a near death experience.. if no one was ready to listen to me again. Despite the fact I didn’t want him to call, he still kept typing and reply and was even making me laugh in the conversation. Now isn’t that Pastor Goals?

Pastor Oge is an all rounder, his one of the people that even if I want to give up I’ll say to my self no I can’t disappoint pastor Oge. Our Gists are always one in a million, your interest in my spiritual life is divine, your voice and the words you speak are like arrows that always hit the right target.

Thank you pastor for being a friend, a motivation, an inspiration and being one of the Best people my life, thank you for your constant support, Advice and thank you for always reading and commenting on my blog posts

Happy Birthday Pastor Oge C. Ogwe.

I love you very much sir.

I promise not to buy you biscuit again this year.

LET’S TRY SOMETHING NEW

Hello lovelies, how are you?
How is your week going?
How did you handle the postponement of the elections?
Well, I had a lot to say about it and I hope it will be a wake-up call for you to vote for fela durotoye.
So, like my title let’s try something new.
For a year now I’ve always wanted to learn photoshop, but I couldn’t because I kept making excuses for myself on how I was not good at it, or how I did not want to do something and people would think I was extra, or how I kept making excuses that my laptop wasn’t good enough, or how I didn’t have the latest software, or how I couldn’t get anybody to teach me, so many many excuses like very legitimate excuses but I decided to pick it up last week Thursday. I told myself that whatever excuse I’m going to have this time I am going to solve every excuse, I got a solution for every reason I thought hindered me from starting. So I updated my laptop software, I got the latest version of the adobe cc 2019 thanks to a friend that even helped get the crack, after all these I told myself ok now let’s go to youtube so I went to youtube searched for the easiest tutorial that could teach me the basic things and from there I was fascinated by one of the tricks that photoshop had to offer. So I kept creating new things with that one trick and funny how I got addicted to it because it’s actually really beautiful. The ability to create something out of two different objects on your own grounds without caring about what people will say about it. Basically, photoshop creates a platform that if you can think it, you can do it.
My point after all this long story is pick up something that you have always wanted to do for a really long time. There will always be excuses or reasons why you shouldn’t do that thing, there will always reasons why this thing doesn’t seem good enough for you but because you know what you have what it takes, because you know how much these things are going to add value to you, then you should definitely pick it up. I promised myself that in my lifetime I will know something about everything before I die. I’m not going to just wait around for things to come to me I am going to actually to take a step towards that goal and it’s been a joyful ride, it’s exciting to learn new things cause when people now talk about these things, I have something to say… I’m not lost in the conversation because I know something of whatever they are they are saying
So pick up somthing new, don’t be afraid because the more you are afraid the more you keep making excuses for yourself on why you shouldn’t start.. just start. Fear is really inevitable, like it’s a normal phenomenon, Its just as normal as hunger and thirst but you have to tell yourself that fear I know you are going to be with me on this journey but here’s the thing, you dont have permission to manipulate my mind, you don’t come into my my thoughts you don’t talk when I’m talking. Let me paint a scenario if I and my idea and fear are in a car and I tell myself that we are going on a road trip, I tell my fear and my idea that we are going on a journey…the rules are my idea is the only one that is allowed to talk to me in this journey, but my fear isnt allowed to speak nor touch the gps, fear cant tell me where to go, fear can’t tell me where to turn nor allowed to communicate to me, you are just there and that’s truth. People tend to say don’t be afraid. But truth is fear is necessary and inevitable, fear makes you a better you…. Cause once you overcome it once you have the ability to over come it anytime it shows up again, but don’t make your fear have the best of you, don’t let it make decisions for you.. instead allow your ideas, allow your mind. this way it’s easy to be productive or even to create more.
Yeah PICK UP SOMETHING NEW that you have always wanted to do. I hope with these few points of mine I have been able to convince you and not confuse you that learning something new is really really necessary for a productive lifestyle.

Below are the works i have created in the past few days. Feel free to download.